Danielle was in a full-blown tantrum: rolling, writhing, screaming, and drooling.  Like a tornado, a twirling dervish, or a maniac (take your pick!) She was uncontrollable and inconsolable!  She dropped to the ground and went boneless, dead weight and screaming fury. All this in a two year old body that you had happily kissed and hugged not 15 minutes earlier. In its wake, the tantrum left a stunned and struggling parent trying desperately to figure out what happened and what to do now.

Sound familiar???    If this hasn’t happened to you yet, trust me it will!  Because every child tantrums at some point or another.  And toddlers are the king and queen of the tantrum world!

I saw a video of this particular tantrum (thank you smartphone) and I had two equal and opposite feelings. Feeling number one:  I am so glad I’m NOT THERE!   I remember those tantrums with my own kids and they are EXHAUSTING, FRUSTRATING, AND PARALYZING. No one’s going anywhere when there’s a tantrum going on!

But I also had a second feeling: I wish I WAS THERE! I would love to help both the parent and the child.

I have compassion for the parent: I remember the frustration and anger in trying to reason with a child who is unreasonable.  Sometimes nothing you try works; and all you can do is wait it out and hope the tantrum stops soon. I wish I could be there to give that parent a break: to pick up the toddler and carry her until she settled down; (preferably somewhere out of earshot!)

But I also have compassion for the child. Because being a toddler is tough.

“Tough?” you say.  “Are you kidding me? That kid lives the life of luxury!  She has toys and food and she can sleep whenever she wants,” says the (sleep-deprived) parent. “What is so tough about being a toddler?!”

Well, a few things:

• Cognitively, they are still developing: How to get from here to there, how to open things, how to fit things together. Toddlers are trying to figure out how this life works.  When you can’t figure out how to do something, it can be very frustrating!
• Physically, they are still developing! Their hand skills, their coordination, and their balance are still immature and developing. They usually know what they want to do, but they literally (and physically) can’t quite do it –so they get very frustrated!
• Verbally, they are still developing! They want to tell you what they need or what they want, but they literally don’t have the words. They haven’t learned them yet or they can’t say them – so they get very frustrated!
• Emotionally, they are still developing. They are not self-aware or reflective enough to understand why they feel things, even if they HAD the language. (Imagine how weird it would be to hear your toddler say “I am feeling unappreciated and ignored while you are packing for vacation, so I am going to start screaming until you will pay attention to me!”   When you can’t get someone to understand how you are feeling, it is very frustrating!

Sensing a theme? 😉     Toddlers often tantrum out of frustration. It is only as they develop more skills in the above four areas that tantrums (usually!) decrease.  Remember, all behavior is communication!

The positive side to tantrums, it that it stops you in your tracks and FORCES you to focus intently on the child (because what else can you do in all that ruckus?)  You might want to take the time to see things from their perspective.  Are they sick, tired, bored, hot, cold, wet, poopy? Do they want something they can’t reach, do they need something they can’t explain, do they feel frustrated but have no words?

We can’t always know for sure what is causing a tantrum, but a little detective work could reveal a clue.  At the very least it reminds you that being a toddler is tough. But it should also remind you being the parent of a toddler is tough too!

You are both in a new world where neither of you has much experience: being a kid and being a parent. But take heart! Both of you are still growing!  You both have some new things to learn in this season about being a child and being a mom or dad.  And the future will certainly lead to happier places!